Divorce gift lists – I do or I don’t?

Is it just me, or does the list of occasions where we’re expected to shell out for a pressie keep getting longer? Weddings, birthdays, engagements, baby showers, retirement, getting a new job, moving house, graduations, christenings, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day… I could go on. But how would you feel about a friend who set up an online gift list to help them through their divorce?

So-called ‘divorce registries’ are a growing trend. The idea is simple: if a marriage ends and one person walks away with very little, why not ask friends and family for help replacing the basics - a kettle, some plates, maybe even a mattress?

When TikTok creator Becca Murray shared her own divorce registry online, it quickly went viral. Some people praised her bravery in addressing head-on the financial hardship divorce can cause. Others were rather less positive. But wherever you stand, the divorce gift list appears to be gaining momentum.

Divorce gift lists: the new normal?

According to online divorce service Divorce‑Online, we’re seeing a big cultural shift. People aren’t keeping quiet about the financial fallout of separation anymore. They're speaking up, sharing their experiences, and in some cases, asking for a helping hand.

“For decades, breakups were dealt with privately, often in shame. But today, people are more willing to say, ‘I need help starting over,’” says Mark Keenan, founder of Divorce‑Online. “Divorce registries are one of the most practical ways to do that.”

And with the current cost-of-living crisis, it’s not hard to see why this is becoming more common.

If you’ve had to leave your shared home - especially with short notice - you might be starting again with almost nothing. The price of furniture, white goods and basic homeware soon adds up.

Attention-seeking stunt or vital lifeline?           

Perhaps some of the backlash Becca received is down to how she asked for help and the kind of items included in her wish list. A $450 tent, a $45 pottery spoon rest (a dish on which to place used teaspoons while you summon the energy to wash up, in case you were wondering), a $3,230 extendable dining table and an $88 popcorn bowl, to name a few.

Maybe these things don’t seem like essential items for someone struggling to get by in the aftermath of a breakup. They certainly don’t suggest Becca is on the breadline. But then, I’m not sure Becca ever suggested she was on skid row.  And as she pointed out, no one was forced to donate.

Digging deep for those in dire straits

But Becca’s actions do raise an interesting point about whether we’re more willing to put our hands in our pockets to celebrate the good times rather than offering financial support during the tough times. Certainly, some people will find themselves in pretty dire circumstances when they leave a marriage, especially those who have experienced domestic abuse.

Domestic abuse survivors often flee with little more than the clothes on their backs, and in some cases, a shedload of debt.

It’s not uncommon for abusers to borrow money and put bills in their partner’s name, saddling them with years of debt.

According to Surviving Economic Abuse, six out of ten people who suffer coercive control are forced to take out credit by their abuser and figures from Women’s Aid show a third of survivors of domestic abuse have to give up their home to escape.

And survivors can’t always draw a line under economic abuse after they leave. Research by Sharp-Jeffs found that in a quarter of cases, abusers continue to try to control, exploit or sabotage their ex-partner’s finances or their standard of living even after they flee.

When faced with these stark statistics, maybe it’s time we normalised supporting people when things fall apart, not just when they fall in love.

Struggling after a separation?

Many people find separation leaves them in a difficult financial position, especially if they need to move home or cover childcare costs on their own.

If you’re struggling, here are some free tools you can use right now:

Benefits calculator

Now your circumstances have changed, you may be entitled to financial support. Some £23bn of benefits go unclaimed every year, according to Policy in Practice. Our benefits calculator is quick and easy to use – make sure you’re not missing out.

Budgeting tool

Not sure how to make ends meet with your new income and outgoings? Our budget planner helps you see where your money’s going and where you might be able to save.

Debt help

If bills are piling up or you’re using credit to get by, we can help. Get online advice or speak to someone by phone - whatever works best for you.